Knowing

You say you know who I am. But you don't, really. What you know is the little piece you've taken and interpreted your own way. What you know is your interpretation of who you want me to be. Is it any surprise then that it irritates the heck out of me every time you say you understand?

I say I don't know you or understand you. This annoys you because what you hear is that I don't want to know you, don't want to try to understand you. What I'm really saying is that while I may know a little of you and am trying to understand you, you are much more complex than I feel capable of understanding right now.

Which is worse? Saying you know someone when you don't, or saying you don't know someone when you do? Which gives the case for more frustration? Probably both depending on the person being frustrated, which is exactly where we're at. You want to be known and think I'm not trying, I want to be known and think that you don't care to really know ME.

Why

Why do I dislike my best friends husbands? I have 2 best friends, one from high school and one from college. In my opinion they both married losers. Oh, they're not beat your wife type losers and you probably wouldn't know it just from meeting them. But when I see the lives that my friends have? Wow. One has an invalid for a husband (which isn't entirely his fault granted) that takes that as an excuse to do NOTHING with his life. He is lazy to the extreme and thinks it's okay while my friend works her tail off taking care of both of them. I can't see her ever having a normal family with kids.
The other has 3 kids and her husband is never home. He's "working", but he makes such poor business decisions that they are forever in debt and for awhile he even wanted her to go back to work to help support them. He said she could work nights since child care is so expensive? Hello, that is the most obnoxious thing I've ever heard. He would put her in an early grave since, um, when would she sleep? And it's not like he would ever lift a finger to help around the house.
I know this is a totally un-Christian way to feel, but both of these guys claim to be Christians. I think that's what almost pisses me off the most. And neither of them will take any outside advice. They think their lives are just fine the way they are.
Guess I shouldn't complain so much about my hubby, huh? At least I can stay home without having to worry about working. Yeah, we're on a tight budget, but the ONLY debt we have is student loans. And he does help around the house and he is home and plays with his son. Time for me to start looking on the bright side at my family.

A Little Common Sense?

Dear Hubby,
I appreciate you doing the dishes, really. I wasn't just saying it out of spite. But I don't appreciate it when I tell you ahead of time to save me some hot water in the shower and then you go do the dishes while I'm in the shower effectively rendering your short shower pointless. You might as well have just stood in there and drained the hot water tank while you were at it. Because when you did the dishes you not only took away all the hot water, but all the water pressure as well making it doubly hard to wash my long hair (which you wanted).
But the kicker is when I come out and tell you that you used all the hot water you act like it's my fault somehow. And when I ask you 5 minutes later why you're mad at ME for calling you on your lack of common sense you say that it's because I haven't forgiven you yet. What? Is my forgiving you the prerequisite for you feeling sorry for something? Or is it that you don't like feeling guilty so if it can somehow be my fault you don't have to think about the fact that you didn't think before you did the dishes?
Thanks for starting my day off great.
Your cold wife

This is my life

These are my inmost thoughts. I have nowhere else to share them so I share them with you, anonymous internet. Maybe you can help release the demons in my soul.

Tonight, my husband told me that I say things that insult people. Then, when I apologize, I don't apologize for hurting their feelings, but only for saying something insulting. If, and that's a big if, I even realize that I have said something that comes across as insulting. Most times, apparently, I don't even realize that what I have said comes across as insulting. My brain just thinks something in response to the situation and my mouth spouts it before I can even think it through. I didn't even realize it was a problem until tonight.

It makes me ashamed. It makes me wonder if this is why I feel like I don't really have any friends. Are they all just pretending? Do they see me as someone to be pitied? That I'm living in my own little bubble truly oblivious to everyone around me? Am I that oblivious?

I don't want to be my mother, but I'm afraid I am already. Sometimes I am ashamed of her. I know I was ashamed of her in high school because of her style, rather her lack thereof. Now at times I see her as desperate. Desperate to be loved and needed by anyone outside her family. Am I the same way? I fear that I am and didn't even know it.

I don't want my son to grow up and be ashamed of his mother. I love him more than my life. It's completely trite, but true. At times, like right now, I think he is the only reason I am still here. I almost can't stand the thought of him not knowing me when he grows up. If I left now he wouldn't remember me. Sure he'd miss me for awhile, maybe a few weeks. But someone else would take care of him. His daddy would still be here. Would it be better for him to grow up knowing his mother loved him, but not having to be ashamed of her?

Right now he still needs me physically to feed him. What about in a few months. What will I do then?