These are my inmost thoughts. I have nowhere else to share them so I share them with you, anonymous internet. Maybe you can help release the demons in my soul.
Tonight, my husband told me that I say things that insult people. Then, when I apologize, I don't apologize for hurting their feelings, but only for saying something insulting. If, and that's a big if, I even realize that I have said something that comes across as insulting. Most times, apparently, I don't even realize that what I have said comes across as insulting. My brain just thinks something in response to the situation and my mouth spouts it before I can even think it through. I didn't even realize it was a problem until tonight.
It makes me ashamed. It makes me wonder if this is why I feel like I don't really have any friends. Are they all just pretending? Do they see me as someone to be pitied? That I'm living in my own little bubble truly oblivious to everyone around me? Am I that oblivious?
I don't want to be my mother, but I'm afraid I am already. Sometimes I am ashamed of her. I know I was ashamed of her in high school because of her style, rather her lack thereof. Now at times I see her as desperate. Desperate to be loved and needed by anyone outside her family. Am I the same way? I fear that I am and didn't even know it.
I don't want my son to grow up and be ashamed of his mother. I love him more than my life. It's completely trite, but true. At times, like right now, I think he is the only reason I am still here. I almost can't stand the thought of him not knowing me when he grows up. If I left now he wouldn't remember me. Sure he'd miss me for awhile, maybe a few weeks. But someone else would take care of him. His daddy would still be here. Would it be better for him to grow up knowing his mother loved him, but not having to be ashamed of her?
Right now he still needs me physically to feed him. What about in a few months. What will I do then?
