I was scheduled to have Lasik surgery this coming Friday. We (I) decided after 9 months of trying to get pregnant that a 4 month hiatus so I could get my eyes fixed wouldn't be the end of the world. Besides, if I were to get pregnant it would be over 2 years before I could consider it again. Everything was all set up and I had my pre-screening this Wednesday. They dilated my eyes and I lost the whole day that I thought to get projects done since my parents had my son.
This morning, I found out I am pregnant. I've been late with my period before, but I thought there was NO WAY I could be pregnant this month. Apparently this is God's way of telling me that he doesn't want me to have Lasik right now. I admit I've been pretty freaked out about it, mainly because I was worried it would be worse if something went wrong. This is the only way it could be canceled for sure. I guess this is my answer.
Now I'm not sure what to think. I'm totally conflicted because on the one hand I really really wanted another baby. On the other hand my head has had so much tension from my glasses that I feel like I'm cranky all the time and I didn't want to deal with that for another 2 years. But the decision has been taken out of my hands.
Please God don't let this be a joke like last time.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Chemical Pregnancy
It sounds so clinical. It sounds like it was just your body "faking" the hormones to make you look pregnant when you really weren't.
But really you were pregnant.
It's just that it didn't take.
Most women don't even know they were pregnant either because they weren't expecting it or they think it's too early to tell.
I knew. I was expecting it. I took the pregnancy test right at 14 days and it showed positive.
I didn't want to be pregnant. I told God I didn't want it. I had a rough weekend. Then I had some funky cramps.
Now I'm not pregnant.
Technically my period isn't even late. It's still within the range of days that my cycle normally is. But this time it's not a normal period. It should have been a baby.
Now I want this baby.
But really you were pregnant.
It's just that it didn't take.
Most women don't even know they were pregnant either because they weren't expecting it or they think it's too early to tell.
I knew. I was expecting it. I took the pregnancy test right at 14 days and it showed positive.
I didn't want to be pregnant. I told God I didn't want it. I had a rough weekend. Then I had some funky cramps.
Now I'm not pregnant.
Technically my period isn't even late. It's still within the range of days that my cycle normally is. But this time it's not a normal period. It should have been a baby.
Now I want this baby.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Here We Go
Hey world. So I found out this morning that I'm pregnant. It's pretty early, but they say you don't get false positives... and it's not like we weren't trying!
I'm not sure what to think. I feel like I want more kids. I've always wanted a big family because I see how well big families get along. At least the ones I know. Then again, it probably has more to do with how they are raised.
Then I think about having more than 2 kids and I just feel overwhelmed. I feel lost sometimes with one. Like I've lost my identity in him. And the logistics involved with travel/moving overseas... ay. It would be so much more expensive, not to mention pushing it that many more years out since I really don't want to have a baby overseas or even a small child. Our friends told us the other night that it's not recommended to take a baby less than a year old to where we want to go anyway. Then again, it'll be years before we can pay off all our debts and even think about going.
I guess I'm just not sure I'm ready to give up more of myself. My son is almost 2 and I finally feel like I'm getting into a rhythm where I can get things done. Or maybe that just has to do with me being lazy. I'm not sure.
All I know is, I'm not nearly as excited this time around. And that kind of sucks.
I'm not sure what to think. I feel like I want more kids. I've always wanted a big family because I see how well big families get along. At least the ones I know. Then again, it probably has more to do with how they are raised.
Then I think about having more than 2 kids and I just feel overwhelmed. I feel lost sometimes with one. Like I've lost my identity in him. And the logistics involved with travel/moving overseas... ay. It would be so much more expensive, not to mention pushing it that many more years out since I really don't want to have a baby overseas or even a small child. Our friends told us the other night that it's not recommended to take a baby less than a year old to where we want to go anyway. Then again, it'll be years before we can pay off all our debts and even think about going.
I guess I'm just not sure I'm ready to give up more of myself. My son is almost 2 and I finally feel like I'm getting into a rhythm where I can get things done. Or maybe that just has to do with me being lazy. I'm not sure.
All I know is, I'm not nearly as excited this time around. And that kind of sucks.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
SOS - The End of Brad
Last week the end of Brad's third trip to Seattle ended rather badly. It's not quite the end of September...
Our phone calls are still going strong. An average of an hour every night. Mundane things we do with our days. He's trying to "be a better Christian" and get motivated to find a church. His roommate (a Mormon) is encouraging him.
Come November he gets to go on a special ops training for two weeks. Out in the woods, survival games or something like that. Obviously no contact.
I don't know what to do with myself. I actually talk to my roommate in the evenings.
When he gets back he has a million things to tell me. He met this really cool guy. He's so excited he had someone to talk to. He has some motivation.
And as soon as it starts it fizzles. He's depressed with being stuck in North Carolina indefinitely. He stops calling me every night.
December is my birthday. He forgets. I get nothing and get mad. He sends me a bear that he ordered from a florist. Late. Very late.
I decide he should get a lump of coal anonymously. My dad sends it to my uncle who sends it from Michigan. I send him a real Christmas present.
I have to spend Christmas day with my great aunt in Seattle since I couldn't get time off to go on our annual skiing vacation to Idaho. He calls me there. He's not impressed by the coal. My present hasn't arrived yet.
I never do get a Christmas present from him.
The first week in January he gets discharged from the Army. His dad drives out to help him move back to the mid-west. I hear from him maybe twice a week.
He gets back to his college town and eventually calls to tell me, "he'd like to back things off for a bit. he wants to keep his options open."
When I talk to him a few weeks later I'm done. I tell him I'm sick of being his safety net. I'm not his convenient go-to girl when no one else is around. I won't be there for him to come crawling back to.
In May, as I'm getting ready to go to grad school, I hear from a mutual friend. He's engaged. A girl he met in a book store after returning from North Carolina. They got married that summer, less than 6 months after meeting.
Our phone calls are still going strong. An average of an hour every night. Mundane things we do with our days. He's trying to "be a better Christian" and get motivated to find a church. His roommate (a Mormon) is encouraging him.
Come November he gets to go on a special ops training for two weeks. Out in the woods, survival games or something like that. Obviously no contact.
I don't know what to do with myself. I actually talk to my roommate in the evenings.
When he gets back he has a million things to tell me. He met this really cool guy. He's so excited he had someone to talk to. He has some motivation.
And as soon as it starts it fizzles. He's depressed with being stuck in North Carolina indefinitely. He stops calling me every night.
December is my birthday. He forgets. I get nothing and get mad. He sends me a bear that he ordered from a florist. Late. Very late.
I decide he should get a lump of coal anonymously. My dad sends it to my uncle who sends it from Michigan. I send him a real Christmas present.
I have to spend Christmas day with my great aunt in Seattle since I couldn't get time off to go on our annual skiing vacation to Idaho. He calls me there. He's not impressed by the coal. My present hasn't arrived yet.
I never do get a Christmas present from him.
The first week in January he gets discharged from the Army. His dad drives out to help him move back to the mid-west. I hear from him maybe twice a week.
He gets back to his college town and eventually calls to tell me, "he'd like to back things off for a bit. he wants to keep his options open."
When I talk to him a few weeks later I'm done. I tell him I'm sick of being his safety net. I'm not his convenient go-to girl when no one else is around. I won't be there for him to come crawling back to.
In May, as I'm getting ready to go to grad school, I hear from a mutual friend. He's engaged. A girl he met in a book store after returning from North Carolina. They got married that summer, less than 6 months after meeting.
***
Later that summer I got a one line email asking what I knew about 2 small-ish towns in Washington. He was applying to be a youth pastor. I couldn't help but laugh (and ignore the email). Ironic, no?
I didn't bother following up, but now some years later, with the wonders of Google I discovered that he did move to Washington and live in one of those towns for a time. He's back in the mid-west now. I wonder what happened. But I don't really care enough to find out.
I didn't bother following up, but now some years later, with the wonders of Google I discovered that he did move to Washington and live in one of those towns for a time. He's back in the mid-west now. I wonder what happened. But I don't really care enough to find out.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
SOS - A trip gone sour
Last week we started Brad's third trip out to visit me. It's not going well.
He came back from the Olympic Peninsula on Thursday night and got his own hotel room. I played hooky and called in "sick" for work on Friday. I wanted a day to really show him Seattle, and hopefully end the trip on a good note.
So we headed to downtown. From where we parked the car we went to the Nike store and a few others. Then Brad had a running store that he really wanted to go to. But it was on top of Capitol Hill. He said we should walk... by the time we got there I was NOT a happy camper. I sat in a chair and sulked/dozed while he investigated every last nook and cranny of the store.
Finally he was done and at least the walk back was downhill...
We went to get some dinner at Ivar's. The real indoor restaurant on the pier. It was fun. He made me try fried calamari and I have to admit it wasn't sooo bad... but I wouldn't order it on my own. My dinner had lots of cheese so was a bit greasy, but overall it was a good meal... until his credit card was declined. And then his second card was declined.
Turns out he had maxed out both his cards with the trip, the rental car, the hotel rooms... so I ended up paying for our dinner.
We ended up back at his hotel to chill out for awhile. I handed him the letter I wrote while he was gone. He read it and pretty much didn't say anything. I wanted some explanations for what was going on. I was telling him what I felt. I got nothing.
Then dinner started to catch up with my stomach. I did not feel like going anywhere (and I really wanted to be with him before he left again) so I stayed all night. Of course it's awfully hard to do anything when you're almost on the point of puking...
However in the morning, that make-out session turned into him trying to force me to pleasure him. (call me naive), but at the time I had no idea that's what he was doing. I refused and he got ready to go.
After returning the rental car and dropping him at the airport (with the briefest of goodbye's) he called to let me know he'd left his cell phone charger in the rental car. Now it was my responsibility to go get it and mail it to him.
Oh, and when I got home, my roommate was about to call the cops on me... she was that worried.
Not the greatest of trips. I think this is where it started to go sour (I know you're all going, really?). I didn't know what to do with the physical part of us.
Tune in next week for the resolution...
He came back from the Olympic Peninsula on Thursday night and got his own hotel room. I played hooky and called in "sick" for work on Friday. I wanted a day to really show him Seattle, and hopefully end the trip on a good note.
So we headed to downtown. From where we parked the car we went to the Nike store and a few others. Then Brad had a running store that he really wanted to go to. But it was on top of Capitol Hill. He said we should walk... by the time we got there I was NOT a happy camper. I sat in a chair and sulked/dozed while he investigated every last nook and cranny of the store.
Finally he was done and at least the walk back was downhill...
We went to get some dinner at Ivar's. The real indoor restaurant on the pier. It was fun. He made me try fried calamari and I have to admit it wasn't sooo bad... but I wouldn't order it on my own. My dinner had lots of cheese so was a bit greasy, but overall it was a good meal... until his credit card was declined. And then his second card was declined.
Turns out he had maxed out both his cards with the trip, the rental car, the hotel rooms... so I ended up paying for our dinner.
We ended up back at his hotel to chill out for awhile. I handed him the letter I wrote while he was gone. He read it and pretty much didn't say anything. I wanted some explanations for what was going on. I was telling him what I felt. I got nothing.
Then dinner started to catch up with my stomach. I did not feel like going anywhere (and I really wanted to be with him before he left again) so I stayed all night. Of course it's awfully hard to do anything when you're almost on the point of puking...
However in the morning, that make-out session turned into him trying to force me to pleasure him. (call me naive), but at the time I had no idea that's what he was doing. I refused and he got ready to go.
After returning the rental car and dropping him at the airport (with the briefest of goodbye's) he called to let me know he'd left his cell phone charger in the rental car. Now it was my responsibility to go get it and mail it to him.
Oh, and when I got home, my roommate was about to call the cops on me... she was that worried.
Not the greatest of trips. I think this is where it started to go sour (I know you're all going, really?). I didn't know what to do with the physical part of us.
Tune in next week for the resolution...
Saturday, October 25, 2008
SOS - A camping trip
Welcome to Soap Opera Sunday... I'm your host for the month of October. If you're new, the "rules" are here. Link up your story at the end of this post... the more the merrier!
This month's theme for Soap Opera Sunday is Long Distance Relationships.
Last week you learned that Brad came to meet my parents... and it never happened. My grandmother recovered okay from her broken hip, she's still with us today at 92. She could never live alone again and so ended up moving into an assisted living home just 2 blocks from my parents.
But back to the Brad story...
Summer turns into fall. Brad is still in North Carolina and it doesn't really look like his unit will be going to Iraq. They're covering the base while all the other units are over there. He's hopeful that he will be able to get out soon (his 6 year term was already up), but there's no end in sight. He's getting really bored.
Another trip out west is called for!
This time he's coming for over a week. All the leave time he has available.
It's the middle of September and he's supposed to fly in Friday morning so we can meet some of my friends for lunch before heading off to Oregon for a wedding and some sightseeing. Unfortunately there are the remains of a hurricane drifting over the east coast so his flight is delayed. Too many hours to make lunch and we get to Oregon late in the evening.
We're staying with some of my younger college buddies in their dorm rooms, me in a girls room, he in a guys room. My girlfriend is a bit worried when I tell her we're going camping after leaving her. I just brush her off. What other option do we have?
Saturday is my friend's wedding. We get there too early and take a walk in the woods. A little make-out session is had, but it gets a bit too hot and steamy for me. Disturbing?
The wedding is fantastic and in the evening we headed down to Eugene to visit Reser Stadium and the memorial to Prefontaine. Brad is a big runner and Pre is his idol. This is where he lived, trained, and died prematurely. I planned this so he could "walk on hallowed ground".
We ended up camping that night just outside Eugene. Brad had brought along Army MRE's for us. I can now say I've tried one. They're not horrible, but they're not great either. And they have more calories in them than a normal person would eat in 3 days! Lots of carbs and protein.
Then, the two of us, in a tent. The clothes stayed on, but his hands didn't. I'd never done anything more than kiss a boy before this. I didn't quite know what was happening. I didn't know what to do with myself. I finally told him that it was likely I could get pregnant if we didn't stop (because I know my body). He said that's not what he had in mind, but I'm not really sure...
Sunday we ended up back in Seattle and things just started to go downhill. He needed a rental car to do some touring during the week while I was at work. After picking one up we were tired and he was hungry. I wanted to go to bed since I had to work, but he insisted we go out to dinner. We did and fought all the way back.
He left in the morning for 3 nights out on the Olympic Peninsula. No cell service. Me going to work all week, thinking about what happened, and writing him a 5 page letter...
This story has two more weeks in it. I'm not sure who's hosting yet for November, but I'll be here, link or not!
This month's theme for Soap Opera Sunday is Long Distance Relationships.
Last week you learned that Brad came to meet my parents... and it never happened. My grandmother recovered okay from her broken hip, she's still with us today at 92. She could never live alone again and so ended up moving into an assisted living home just 2 blocks from my parents.
But back to the Brad story...
Summer turns into fall. Brad is still in North Carolina and it doesn't really look like his unit will be going to Iraq. They're covering the base while all the other units are over there. He's hopeful that he will be able to get out soon (his 6 year term was already up), but there's no end in sight. He's getting really bored.
Another trip out west is called for!
This time he's coming for over a week. All the leave time he has available.
It's the middle of September and he's supposed to fly in Friday morning so we can meet some of my friends for lunch before heading off to Oregon for a wedding and some sightseeing. Unfortunately there are the remains of a hurricane drifting over the east coast so his flight is delayed. Too many hours to make lunch and we get to Oregon late in the evening.
We're staying with some of my younger college buddies in their dorm rooms, me in a girls room, he in a guys room. My girlfriend is a bit worried when I tell her we're going camping after leaving her. I just brush her off. What other option do we have?
Saturday is my friend's wedding. We get there too early and take a walk in the woods. A little make-out session is had, but it gets a bit too hot and steamy for me. Disturbing?
The wedding is fantastic and in the evening we headed down to Eugene to visit Reser Stadium and the memorial to Prefontaine. Brad is a big runner and Pre is his idol. This is where he lived, trained, and died prematurely. I planned this so he could "walk on hallowed ground".
We ended up camping that night just outside Eugene. Brad had brought along Army MRE's for us. I can now say I've tried one. They're not horrible, but they're not great either. And they have more calories in them than a normal person would eat in 3 days! Lots of carbs and protein.
Then, the two of us, in a tent. The clothes stayed on, but his hands didn't. I'd never done anything more than kiss a boy before this. I didn't quite know what was happening. I didn't know what to do with myself. I finally told him that it was likely I could get pregnant if we didn't stop (because I know my body). He said that's not what he had in mind, but I'm not really sure...
Sunday we ended up back in Seattle and things just started to go downhill. He needed a rental car to do some touring during the week while I was at work. After picking one up we were tired and he was hungry. I wanted to go to bed since I had to work, but he insisted we go out to dinner. We did and fought all the way back.
He left in the morning for 3 nights out on the Olympic Peninsula. No cell service. Me going to work all week, thinking about what happened, and writing him a 5 page letter...
This story has two more weeks in it. I'm not sure who's hosting yet for November, but I'll be here, link or not!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
SOS - 4th of July weekend
Welcome to Soap Opera Sunday... I'm your host for the month of October. If you're new, the "rules" are here. Link up your story at the end of this post... the more the merrier!
This month's theme for Soap Opera Sunday is Long Distance Relationships.
Last week you found out about the beginnings of a relationship between Brad and I...
Brad's still in North Carolina with no answers as to when they might ship out to Iraq, or if they even will.
I'm in Seattle, having found a job at a chemical testing company. My roommate has arrived and we set up our place. I finally have furniture!
The fourth of July falls on a Friday this year and Brad decides he's coming out to visit me again. This time we'll be heading over the mountains so he can meet my parents...
The day before he arrives however my mom calls to let me know that my grandmother has fallen and broken her hip. She's in the ICU on the other side of the state. They won't be home to meet Brad.
Mom had just figured out a week or two earlier that we were actually dating. She came to visit me for a cousin's wedding and drug it out of me... maybe this is where I should tell you that I was always afraid to tell my parents about any new boys in my life. They once told me that I could date "over their dead bodies" and I think that scared (scarred?) me for life. So I was a bit hesitant to tell them...
Anyways, Brad flies in on the 4th and we (my roommate, her boyfriend, his brother, and I) pick him up and head to Gasworks Park to watch the show over Lake Union. We got there early to get a good seat and were "blessed" to watch the Ivar's Clam boat go by, as well as be mooned by a bunch of guys on a fancy yacht!
The show was fantastic, but it takes us over an hour just to get back to the freeway. And we're supposed to drive to my parent's house that evening. Brad is wiped since he got up early on east coast time to fly out. So I end up driving while he sleeps, stopping at the top of the pass to fill up my radiator since it was mostly dead (due to a blowout earlier in the summer).
My roommate and her boyfriend decided to come as well - so we'd have some chaperonage since my parents would be there, but they didn't come until the next day. No worries, it was well past the middle of the night when we got in anyway!
Saturday we went to play in the river. This is my hometown river, but of course I fall off a rock and manage to slice open the bottom of my foot on a piece of glass. One trip to the ER (in a bathing suit) later I have 5 or 6 stitches in the bottom of my foot.
Good thing I had a boyfriend to carry me around the rest of the weekend!
Oh, and he finally kissed me...
He said he didn't want to rush it, but I was pretty desperate for a kiss. A little needy in the love = touch department over here I think.
He said I was a good kisser and so we got in lots of practice...
Unfortunately he had to fly out on Monday morning and I was left to hobble myself in to work...
This month's theme for Soap Opera Sunday is Long Distance Relationships.
Last week you found out about the beginnings of a relationship between Brad and I...
Brad's still in North Carolina with no answers as to when they might ship out to Iraq, or if they even will.
I'm in Seattle, having found a job at a chemical testing company. My roommate has arrived and we set up our place. I finally have furniture!
The fourth of July falls on a Friday this year and Brad decides he's coming out to visit me again. This time we'll be heading over the mountains so he can meet my parents...
The day before he arrives however my mom calls to let me know that my grandmother has fallen and broken her hip. She's in the ICU on the other side of the state. They won't be home to meet Brad.
Mom had just figured out a week or two earlier that we were actually dating. She came to visit me for a cousin's wedding and drug it out of me... maybe this is where I should tell you that I was always afraid to tell my parents about any new boys in my life. They once told me that I could date "over their dead bodies" and I think that scared (scarred?) me for life. So I was a bit hesitant to tell them...
Anyways, Brad flies in on the 4th and we (my roommate, her boyfriend, his brother, and I) pick him up and head to Gasworks Park to watch the show over Lake Union. We got there early to get a good seat and were "blessed" to watch the Ivar's Clam boat go by, as well as be mooned by a bunch of guys on a fancy yacht!
The show was fantastic, but it takes us over an hour just to get back to the freeway. And we're supposed to drive to my parent's house that evening. Brad is wiped since he got up early on east coast time to fly out. So I end up driving while he sleeps, stopping at the top of the pass to fill up my radiator since it was mostly dead (due to a blowout earlier in the summer).
My roommate and her boyfriend decided to come as well - so we'd have some chaperonage since my parents would be there, but they didn't come until the next day. No worries, it was well past the middle of the night when we got in anyway!
Saturday we went to play in the river. This is my hometown river, but of course I fall off a rock and manage to slice open the bottom of my foot on a piece of glass. One trip to the ER (in a bathing suit) later I have 5 or 6 stitches in the bottom of my foot.
Good thing I had a boyfriend to carry me around the rest of the weekend!
Oh, and he finally kissed me...
He said he didn't want to rush it, but I was pretty desperate for a kiss. A little needy in the love = touch department over here I think.
He said I was a good kisser and so we got in lots of practice...
Unfortunately he had to fly out on Monday morning and I was left to hobble myself in to work...
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