Alone

I'm a month away from having my second baby and all I feel is alone. I'm not going to the hospital because I hated it, but that requires so much more from my husband and I feel like he's just completely wrapped up in his own world that is work. He tries to share it with me... at times, and we did have the same profession, but I don't really think he thinks I understand.

I stay home all day with the first child and he works. I feel thwarted in getting things done because I'm so tired all the time so when he asks me how my day was I usually say that I didn't get enough done. Somehow he has taken this to mean that I have been lazy and doing whatever I wanted all day. Occasionally this is true, but most of the time it isn't. There are a million and one little things I do all day - any mother can relate to this.

It's come to a head when he hasn't done the dishes 4 out of the last 5 days leaving the sink piled up and overflowing so that I can't even make a meal for my child without having to do the dishes first. This is the only "chore" that he has to do at home and it's compounded by the fact that the sink faucet is so far back it literally hurts my back to do dishes for more than about 5 minutes at a time. (we don't have a dishwasher)

He then proceeds to tell me that he works really hard and is just too tired to do anything else. He uses the excuse that I have so much free time and he is just "going" until 11 at night. Yet every time I walk into the room where he is supposedly working he has his work computer out yes, but his personal computer is set to playing games online. Games that I know require his undivided attention because he can't even hold a 30 second conversation with me and remember any of it when he's playing this game. Yet he can't be bothered to do the dishes because by the time he's done "working" he's too tired so he just goes to bed.

And in the middle of all this I realize that I need him to help me if I'm going to get through labor. Yet right now I don't trust him and don't even want him to be in the same room with me. I would rather have my best friend there than him. I can't prepare on my own, but I can't ask him to help. I don't even want him to touch me.

I sit, in front of this computer, "my computer", in the spare room that he says I haven't left any room for him in. This, apparently, is "my" house because I did all the work of finding it and making appointments and keeping track of paper work. And he feels left out. But I don't feel like he ever really wanted to know. He's so wrapped up in his world we (me and the child) might as well not even exist. It's a good thing the child is persistent or he would never be noticed.

And I'm dying a little more inside every day because I feel so alone.