Wasted

Facebook is both a fabulous connection tool and a horrible self-esteem killer.

Back when I started this blog I don't think I even knew FB existed - if it did. Now it's always on along with my email. I've re-connected with so many people I thought I'd never hear from again. They've moved, we only shared a short period of life together, or whatever. Now I can see everything they've done in the last few years and they can see the same about me.

Therein lies the rub. What I've done for the last few years is stay home with my son. With another one on the way I don't see myself getting back into the "working world" anytime soon.

People I knew in college all seem to have fabulous lives and careers and I wonder what they think when they see me. What have I done with my advanded degree? Sure, I used it for a couple years and will probably eventually go back to it. But what about now. It seems like a big waste of money for what I'm doing. A 4 year degree would have been more than adequate.

Or maybe it says more about my insecurities and the way I look at what other people have done with their lives (good or bad) than it actually says about me. Do people even care that I'm not using my degree? Or is it just me.

Of course this is all precipitated by running into a guy I knew in high school this weekend. I wonder how he sees me now, even though he probably doesn't even know I have a grad school degree. But it made me wonder how my grad school friends on FB see me.

And sometimes, to be honest, I just wonder if it was even worth it. Yes, if I didn't have kids it would be a field I would truly (and did) enjoy. But I knew that my ultimate goal was to have kids. Perhaps I still need the field because I won't always have small children, but it's hard to see beyond that now. Now that I'm in the middle of what will probably be 10 years out of that field. Of course, I had to go to grad school to even meet my husand and have said children. So maybe it's all theoretical anyway.

A convoluted maze where the other possibilities always look better, but are only that, possibilities that were.