Alone

I'm a month away from having my second baby and all I feel is alone. I'm not going to the hospital because I hated it, but that requires so much more from my husband and I feel like he's just completely wrapped up in his own world that is work. He tries to share it with me... at times, and we did have the same profession, but I don't really think he thinks I understand.

I stay home all day with the first child and he works. I feel thwarted in getting things done because I'm so tired all the time so when he asks me how my day was I usually say that I didn't get enough done. Somehow he has taken this to mean that I have been lazy and doing whatever I wanted all day. Occasionally this is true, but most of the time it isn't. There are a million and one little things I do all day - any mother can relate to this.

It's come to a head when he hasn't done the dishes 4 out of the last 5 days leaving the sink piled up and overflowing so that I can't even make a meal for my child without having to do the dishes first. This is the only "chore" that he has to do at home and it's compounded by the fact that the sink faucet is so far back it literally hurts my back to do dishes for more than about 5 minutes at a time. (we don't have a dishwasher)

He then proceeds to tell me that he works really hard and is just too tired to do anything else. He uses the excuse that I have so much free time and he is just "going" until 11 at night. Yet every time I walk into the room where he is supposedly working he has his work computer out yes, but his personal computer is set to playing games online. Games that I know require his undivided attention because he can't even hold a 30 second conversation with me and remember any of it when he's playing this game. Yet he can't be bothered to do the dishes because by the time he's done "working" he's too tired so he just goes to bed.

And in the middle of all this I realize that I need him to help me if I'm going to get through labor. Yet right now I don't trust him and don't even want him to be in the same room with me. I would rather have my best friend there than him. I can't prepare on my own, but I can't ask him to help. I don't even want him to touch me.

I sit, in front of this computer, "my computer", in the spare room that he says I haven't left any room for him in. This, apparently, is "my" house because I did all the work of finding it and making appointments and keeping track of paper work. And he feels left out. But I don't feel like he ever really wanted to know. He's so wrapped up in his world we (me and the child) might as well not even exist. It's a good thing the child is persistent or he would never be noticed.

And I'm dying a little more inside every day because I feel so alone.

Cosmic Timing

I was scheduled to have Lasik surgery this coming Friday. We (I) decided after 9 months of trying to get pregnant that a 4 month hiatus so I could get my eyes fixed wouldn't be the end of the world. Besides, if I were to get pregnant it would be over 2 years before I could consider it again. Everything was all set up and I had my pre-screening this Wednesday. They dilated my eyes and I lost the whole day that I thought to get projects done since my parents had my son.

This morning, I found out I am pregnant. I've been late with my period before, but I thought there was NO WAY I could be pregnant this month. Apparently this is God's way of telling me that he doesn't want me to have Lasik right now. I admit I've been pretty freaked out about it, mainly because I was worried it would be worse if something went wrong. This is the only way it could be canceled for sure. I guess this is my answer.

Now I'm not sure what to think. I'm totally conflicted because on the one hand I really really wanted another baby. On the other hand my head has had so much tension from my glasses that I feel like I'm cranky all the time and I didn't want to deal with that for another 2 years. But the decision has been taken out of my hands.

Please God don't let this be a joke like last time.

Chemical Pregnancy

It sounds so clinical. It sounds like it was just your body "faking" the hormones to make you look pregnant when you really weren't.

But really you were pregnant.

It's just that it didn't take.

Most women don't even know they were pregnant either because they weren't expecting it or they think it's too early to tell.

I knew. I was expecting it. I took the pregnancy test right at 14 days and it showed positive.

I didn't want to be pregnant. I told God I didn't want it. I had a rough weekend. Then I had some funky cramps.

Now I'm not pregnant.

Technically my period isn't even late. It's still within the range of days that my cycle normally is. But this time it's not a normal period. It should have been a baby.

Now I want this baby.

Here We Go

Hey world. So I found out this morning that I'm pregnant. It's pretty early, but they say you don't get false positives... and it's not like we weren't trying!

I'm not sure what to think. I feel like I want more kids. I've always wanted a big family because I see how well big families get along. At least the ones I know. Then again, it probably has more to do with how they are raised.

Then I think about having more than 2 kids and I just feel overwhelmed. I feel lost sometimes with one. Like I've lost my identity in him. And the logistics involved with travel/moving overseas... ay. It would be so much more expensive, not to mention pushing it that many more years out since I really don't want to have a baby overseas or even a small child. Our friends told us the other night that it's not recommended to take a baby less than a year old to where we want to go anyway. Then again, it'll be years before we can pay off all our debts and even think about going.

I guess I'm just not sure I'm ready to give up more of myself. My son is almost 2 and I finally feel like I'm getting into a rhythm where I can get things done. Or maybe that just has to do with me being lazy. I'm not sure.

All I know is, I'm not nearly as excited this time around. And that kind of sucks.