Wasted

Facebook is both a fabulous connection tool and a horrible self-esteem killer.

Back when I started this blog I don't think I even knew FB existed - if it did. Now it's always on along with my email. I've re-connected with so many people I thought I'd never hear from again. They've moved, we only shared a short period of life together, or whatever. Now I can see everything they've done in the last few years and they can see the same about me.

Therein lies the rub. What I've done for the last few years is stay home with my son. With another one on the way I don't see myself getting back into the "working world" anytime soon.

People I knew in college all seem to have fabulous lives and careers and I wonder what they think when they see me. What have I done with my advanded degree? Sure, I used it for a couple years and will probably eventually go back to it. But what about now. It seems like a big waste of money for what I'm doing. A 4 year degree would have been more than adequate.

Or maybe it says more about my insecurities and the way I look at what other people have done with their lives (good or bad) than it actually says about me. Do people even care that I'm not using my degree? Or is it just me.

Of course this is all precipitated by running into a guy I knew in high school this weekend. I wonder how he sees me now, even though he probably doesn't even know I have a grad school degree. But it made me wonder how my grad school friends on FB see me.

And sometimes, to be honest, I just wonder if it was even worth it. Yes, if I didn't have kids it would be a field I would truly (and did) enjoy. But I knew that my ultimate goal was to have kids. Perhaps I still need the field because I won't always have small children, but it's hard to see beyond that now. Now that I'm in the middle of what will probably be 10 years out of that field. Of course, I had to go to grad school to even meet my husand and have said children. So maybe it's all theoretical anyway.

A convoluted maze where the other possibilities always look better, but are only that, possibilities that were.

SOS - A wartime story

Welcome to Soap Opera Sunday... I'll be your host for the month of October. If you're new, the "rules" are here. Link up your story at the end of this post... the more the merrier!


This month's theme for Soap Opera Sunday is Long Distance Relationships.

I'm going to skip ahead in my Saga of Boys to one of my very last boyfriends...

When I was in college I spent two summers working in a national park with a ministry team. The second summer I was there I met a boy named Brad. At that time I had a boyfriend from college so we were just friends. We had a few things in common and we got along pretty well. He was goofy and made me laugh.

At the end of the summer I went back to college for my senior year. I ended my relationship with my boyfriend for personal reasons (but that will be another saga) and a few weeks later started communicating with Brad over the internet.

He was half the country away, going through his senior year, and DJing for his college radio station, which I could listen to on my computer. At one point he dedicated a song to me, his buddy from the summer.

Fast forward to the end of February (it's the year 2003). The US is getting ready to invade Iraq and Brad is in the National Guard reserves. His unit gets called up and he is getting ready to head out for some training in North Carolina (even farther away from me) before they are deployed.

I go to a production of A Piece of My Heart at school. It's a very powerful play about women in Vietnam in various roles (nurse, candy striper, and GSO performer girl being the ones that I remember). I come out of there just devastated.

It's almost 11pm my time and he's 2 hours later, but I call him anyway, just sobbing because I'm so afraid for him and what will happen. He calms me down and I eventually go to sleep, but I don't get over this feeling.

I believe this was the first time we talked on the phone and after that we start having weekly conversations.

Shortly thereafter Brad is shipped off to North Carolina where he's told their departure is imminent, as soon as they're issued their desert uniforms. Basically he's on pins and needles knowing they could be deployed with only a day or two's notice.

I remember that we had a little craft project we were doing one evening, weaving Easter baskets* for some local children. During the middle of the evening someone walked in and told us that we had just invaded Iraq. My heart dropped because I knew it was just a matter of time before he would be shipped over there. This is one of those moments I will remember forever...


*underwater basket weaving anyone? :)