Wasted

Facebook is both a fabulous connection tool and a horrible self-esteem killer.

Back when I started this blog I don't think I even knew FB existed - if it did. Now it's always on along with my email. I've re-connected with so many people I thought I'd never hear from again. They've moved, we only shared a short period of life together, or whatever. Now I can see everything they've done in the last few years and they can see the same about me.

Therein lies the rub. What I've done for the last few years is stay home with my son. With another one on the way I don't see myself getting back into the "working world" anytime soon.

People I knew in college all seem to have fabulous lives and careers and I wonder what they think when they see me. What have I done with my advanded degree? Sure, I used it for a couple years and will probably eventually go back to it. But what about now. It seems like a big waste of money for what I'm doing. A 4 year degree would have been more than adequate.

Or maybe it says more about my insecurities and the way I look at what other people have done with their lives (good or bad) than it actually says about me. Do people even care that I'm not using my degree? Or is it just me.

Of course this is all precipitated by running into a guy I knew in high school this weekend. I wonder how he sees me now, even though he probably doesn't even know I have a grad school degree. But it made me wonder how my grad school friends on FB see me.

And sometimes, to be honest, I just wonder if it was even worth it. Yes, if I didn't have kids it would be a field I would truly (and did) enjoy. But I knew that my ultimate goal was to have kids. Perhaps I still need the field because I won't always have small children, but it's hard to see beyond that now. Now that I'm in the middle of what will probably be 10 years out of that field. Of course, I had to go to grad school to even meet my husand and have said children. So maybe it's all theoretical anyway.

A convoluted maze where the other possibilities always look better, but are only that, possibilities that were.

Alone

I'm a month away from having my second baby and all I feel is alone. I'm not going to the hospital because I hated it, but that requires so much more from my husband and I feel like he's just completely wrapped up in his own world that is work. He tries to share it with me... at times, and we did have the same profession, but I don't really think he thinks I understand.

I stay home all day with the first child and he works. I feel thwarted in getting things done because I'm so tired all the time so when he asks me how my day was I usually say that I didn't get enough done. Somehow he has taken this to mean that I have been lazy and doing whatever I wanted all day. Occasionally this is true, but most of the time it isn't. There are a million and one little things I do all day - any mother can relate to this.

It's come to a head when he hasn't done the dishes 4 out of the last 5 days leaving the sink piled up and overflowing so that I can't even make a meal for my child without having to do the dishes first. This is the only "chore" that he has to do at home and it's compounded by the fact that the sink faucet is so far back it literally hurts my back to do dishes for more than about 5 minutes at a time. (we don't have a dishwasher)

He then proceeds to tell me that he works really hard and is just too tired to do anything else. He uses the excuse that I have so much free time and he is just "going" until 11 at night. Yet every time I walk into the room where he is supposedly working he has his work computer out yes, but his personal computer is set to playing games online. Games that I know require his undivided attention because he can't even hold a 30 second conversation with me and remember any of it when he's playing this game. Yet he can't be bothered to do the dishes because by the time he's done "working" he's too tired so he just goes to bed.

And in the middle of all this I realize that I need him to help me if I'm going to get through labor. Yet right now I don't trust him and don't even want him to be in the same room with me. I would rather have my best friend there than him. I can't prepare on my own, but I can't ask him to help. I don't even want him to touch me.

I sit, in front of this computer, "my computer", in the spare room that he says I haven't left any room for him in. This, apparently, is "my" house because I did all the work of finding it and making appointments and keeping track of paper work. And he feels left out. But I don't feel like he ever really wanted to know. He's so wrapped up in his world we (me and the child) might as well not even exist. It's a good thing the child is persistent or he would never be noticed.

And I'm dying a little more inside every day because I feel so alone.

Cosmic Timing

I was scheduled to have Lasik surgery this coming Friday. We (I) decided after 9 months of trying to get pregnant that a 4 month hiatus so I could get my eyes fixed wouldn't be the end of the world. Besides, if I were to get pregnant it would be over 2 years before I could consider it again. Everything was all set up and I had my pre-screening this Wednesday. They dilated my eyes and I lost the whole day that I thought to get projects done since my parents had my son.

This morning, I found out I am pregnant. I've been late with my period before, but I thought there was NO WAY I could be pregnant this month. Apparently this is God's way of telling me that he doesn't want me to have Lasik right now. I admit I've been pretty freaked out about it, mainly because I was worried it would be worse if something went wrong. This is the only way it could be canceled for sure. I guess this is my answer.

Now I'm not sure what to think. I'm totally conflicted because on the one hand I really really wanted another baby. On the other hand my head has had so much tension from my glasses that I feel like I'm cranky all the time and I didn't want to deal with that for another 2 years. But the decision has been taken out of my hands.

Please God don't let this be a joke like last time.

Chemical Pregnancy

It sounds so clinical. It sounds like it was just your body "faking" the hormones to make you look pregnant when you really weren't.

But really you were pregnant.

It's just that it didn't take.

Most women don't even know they were pregnant either because they weren't expecting it or they think it's too early to tell.

I knew. I was expecting it. I took the pregnancy test right at 14 days and it showed positive.

I didn't want to be pregnant. I told God I didn't want it. I had a rough weekend. Then I had some funky cramps.

Now I'm not pregnant.

Technically my period isn't even late. It's still within the range of days that my cycle normally is. But this time it's not a normal period. It should have been a baby.

Now I want this baby.

Here We Go

Hey world. So I found out this morning that I'm pregnant. It's pretty early, but they say you don't get false positives... and it's not like we weren't trying!

I'm not sure what to think. I feel like I want more kids. I've always wanted a big family because I see how well big families get along. At least the ones I know. Then again, it probably has more to do with how they are raised.

Then I think about having more than 2 kids and I just feel overwhelmed. I feel lost sometimes with one. Like I've lost my identity in him. And the logistics involved with travel/moving overseas... ay. It would be so much more expensive, not to mention pushing it that many more years out since I really don't want to have a baby overseas or even a small child. Our friends told us the other night that it's not recommended to take a baby less than a year old to where we want to go anyway. Then again, it'll be years before we can pay off all our debts and even think about going.

I guess I'm just not sure I'm ready to give up more of myself. My son is almost 2 and I finally feel like I'm getting into a rhythm where I can get things done. Or maybe that just has to do with me being lazy. I'm not sure.

All I know is, I'm not nearly as excited this time around. And that kind of sucks.

SOS - The End of Brad

Last week the end of Brad's third trip to Seattle ended rather badly. It's not quite the end of September...

Our phone calls are still going strong. An average of an hour every night. Mundane things we do with our days. He's trying to "be a better Christian" and get motivated to find a church. His roommate (a Mormon) is encouraging him.

Come November he gets to go on a special ops training for two weeks. Out in the woods, survival games or something like that. Obviously no contact.

I don't know what to do with myself. I actually talk to my roommate in the evenings.

When he gets back he has a million things to tell me. He met this really cool guy. He's so excited he had someone to talk to. He has some motivation.

And as soon as it starts it fizzles. He's depressed with being stuck in North Carolina indefinitely. He stops calling me every night.

December is my birthday. He forgets. I get nothing and get mad. He sends me a bear that he ordered from a florist. Late. Very late.

I decide he should get a lump of coal anonymously. My dad sends it to my uncle who sends it from Michigan. I send him a real Christmas present.

I have to spend Christmas day with my great aunt in Seattle since I couldn't get time off to go on our annual skiing vacation to Idaho. He calls me there. He's not impressed by the coal. My present hasn't arrived yet.

I never do get a Christmas present from him.

The first week in January he gets discharged from the Army. His dad drives out to help him move back to the mid-west. I hear from him maybe twice a week.

He gets back to his college town and eventually calls to tell me, "he'd like to back things off for a bit. he wants to keep his options open."

When I talk to him a few weeks later I'm done. I tell him I'm sick of being his safety net. I'm not his convenient go-to girl when no one else is around. I won't be there for him to come crawling back to.

In May, as I'm getting ready to go to grad school, I hear from a mutual friend. He's engaged. A girl he met in a book store after returning from North Carolina. They got married that summer, less than 6 months after meeting.

***

Later that summer I got a one line email asking what I knew about 2 small-ish towns in Washington. He was applying to be a youth pastor. I couldn't help but laugh (and ignore the email). Ironic, no?

I didn't bother following up, but now some years later, with the wonders of Google I discovered that he did move to Washington and live in one of those towns for a time. He's back in the mid-west now. I wonder what happened. But I don't really care enough to find out.

SOS - A trip gone sour

Last week we started Brad's third trip out to visit me. It's not going well.

He came back from the Olympic Peninsula on Thursday night and got his own hotel room. I played hooky and called in "sick" for work on Friday. I wanted a day to really show him Seattle, and hopefully end the trip on a good note.

So we headed to downtown. From where we parked the car we went to the Nike store and a few others. Then Brad had a running store that he really wanted to go to. But it was on top of Capitol Hill. He said we should walk... by the time we got there I was NOT a happy camper. I sat in a chair and sulked/dozed while he investigated every last nook and cranny of the store.

Finally he was done and at least the walk back was downhill...

We went to get some dinner at Ivar's. The real indoor restaurant on the pier. It was fun. He made me try fried calamari and I have to admit it wasn't sooo bad... but I wouldn't order it on my own. My dinner had lots of cheese so was a bit greasy, but overall it was a good meal... until his credit card was declined. And then his second card was declined.

Turns out he had maxed out both his cards with the trip, the rental car, the hotel rooms... so I ended up paying for our dinner.

We ended up back at his hotel to chill out for awhile. I handed him the letter I wrote while he was gone. He read it and pretty much didn't say anything. I wanted some explanations for what was going on. I was telling him what I felt. I got nothing.

Then dinner started to catch up with my stomach. I did not feel like going anywhere (and I really wanted to be with him before he left again) so I stayed all night. Of course it's awfully hard to do anything when you're almost on the point of puking...

However in the morning, that make-out session turned into him trying to force me to pleasure him. (call me naive), but at the time I had no idea that's what he was doing. I refused and he got ready to go.

After returning the rental car and dropping him at the airport (with the briefest of goodbye's) he called to let me know he'd left his cell phone charger in the rental car. Now it was my responsibility to go get it and mail it to him.

Oh, and when I got home, my roommate was about to call the cops on me... she was that worried.

Not the greatest of trips. I think this is where it started to go sour (I know you're all going, really?). I didn't know what to do with the physical part of us.

Tune in next week for the resolution...